The Power of Regret

November 29, 2021
Regret “clarifies. It instructs. Done right, it needn’t drag us down,” writes Pink (When) in this pragmatic guide to harnessing the power of the past. He draws on the largest survey ever conducted of Americans’ regrets, as well as his own poll of thousands of respondents in 105 countries, to reveal the four most common types of regret: foundational (the failure to be responsible regarding education, finances, or health), boldness (the chances not taken), moral (taking “the low road”), and connection (fractured or unrealized relationships). Rather than despairing over regrets, Pink urges readers to think of them as opportunities for growth and learning, and offers a program for doing so. First, one should acknowledge the regret to “reduce some of its burden,” then grant oneself “the same... understanding offer another,” and finally, create some distance by talking about it in the third person, which can turn it into a lesson. Pink assembles an impressive array of research and includes some moving stories of people dealing with mistakes, as with one woman whose regret at not having spent more time with her grandparents “helped her to see her own life as a puzzle with meaning as the center piece.” Readers looking to shake their shame should start here.

January 1, 2022
A study of regret based on a series of international group behavioral studies. Culling responses from an expansive questionnaire, bestselling author Pink analyzes the cumulative benefits of hindsight to inform future decision-making. His surveys encompassed hundreds of personal stories from respondents who were able to absorb the sting of regret and channel it toward better quality of life. The author believes that while optimism is essential to improved well-being, negative emotions like regret bring clarity, meaning, and much-needed alertness. Throughout more than a dozen illuminating chapters, Pink cites examples from decades of research on the psychology behind high-stakes negotiations and the resultant regret that often followed. Dubbing regret the "quintessential upward counterfactual--the ultimate If Only," the author isolates four core categories: foundation (failure to be responsible in financial, educational, or health matters), boldness (forgone opportunities), moral (the temptation to behave poorly), and connection (unrealized potential relationship). Arguing that the open acknowledgment of regret is key to repurposing it toward the greater good, Pink gives close scrutiny to two research projects that he personally developed and championed: the World Regret Survey and the American Regret Project. The companion website for these initiatives amassed thousands of reflections from 105 countries and across a collage of cultures. Examples include a woman who regrets not climbing into her ill husband's hospital bed on the night of his death; a Saudi Arabian businesswoman who laments a tendency to downplay her intelligence and inventiveness "to please/not upset others"; and a man who, 60 years later, still mourns not taking a college classmate up on the opportunity to join the 1964 Freedom Summer project. In the final chapters, Pink offers practical guidance on how readers can thrive beyond their mistakes, molding them into learning opportunities, and how to flip the negative connotations inherent with regret into positive experiences: "By making us feel worse today, regret helps us do better tomorrow." An insightful and rewarding glimpse into the emotional pathways of human contrition.

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